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[13 Apr 2010|09:58pm] FULL ACCESS DENIED amber·erin 1. lots subconscious rambling 2. contains pictures 1% private 49% friends only 50% public comment to be added to gain friends only access xo·xo amber aim: msrichrdson wisper

tewgdgd [16 May 2008|05:39am] Was up late online chatting with a few friends by the end of the night i mentioned to my friend Tom that my ex had called me today...... he said djtomharvey: let it go djtomharvey: it's obviously not right djtomharvey: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. djtomharvey: There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. *sigh* then again i ask why... can it not be right? WHY CANT I HAVE... WHAT I WANT!?!?! seriously. WHY CANT I OOONCE JUST HAVE WHAT I WANT? FUCKING SERIOUS???? I KNOW IT'S NOT "MEANT" TO HAPPEN OR IT'S NOT "RIGHT" OR WHAT THE FUCK EVER..... BUT WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHHHHHY why cant i have my answers? why can't i have what i want? WHY is it all about YOU? why is it all about EVERYONE else, but me? just ONCE i'd like to have a say. just ONCE i'd like to argue my point. just ONCE i want my heart to not be trampled because it's not in YOUR plan. I'm glad that you control my life & the lives of others and lead us to make some choices ourselves but WHY do you want to have SO MUCH suffering in this world? WHY..... do i have to be so alone? feel so alone? WHY do i sit here and ask these questions while other people are too consumed in their looks, their cars, their drugs and alcohol seriously fuck it i just want to be happy and have love i dont want to be whatever the fuck you want me to be i dont want to be some GREAT person i give up. i give up trying to be "right" and do the "right" thing because... thats seriously just lead me down the wrong path FUCK IT. fuck trying. wisper

Little Black Sandals [09 May 2008|09:10pm] it's weird when you hear a song that perfectly fits the situation you're in not only that, but the way it's described is even the same attire you wear... Sia - Little Black Sandals I'm being dragged down Down by the hand The hand of a golden giant man He's crushing my knuckles and splitting my skin He says he will let go if only I ask it of him He says girl it's your call You wanna fly You wanna fall So I shout I wanna get away from you as fast as I can I tell my feet to move it I hope they have a plan These little black sandals are walking me away These little black sandals are heading the right way These little black sandals are walking me away These little black sandals saved my life today So now I'm free Free from the big bad giant who was stalking me Thank you feet for guiding me I'm glad somehow I've got brains down there at least These little black sandals are walking me away These little black sandals are heading the right way These little black sandals are walking me away These little black sandals saved my life today Sometimes I'm tempted Sometimes I am I would be lying if I said I didn't miss that giant man Oh He was a line between pleasure and pain But me and the feet have some years to reclaim These little black sandals are walking me away These little black sandals are heading the right way These little black sandals are walking me away These little black sandals saved my life today wisper

[07 May 2008|07:31pm] today was a much better day i went to work with my dad & brother again getting out of the house is really helping mentally because i'm working from 10am - 5 pm then i get off... come home... sit around until around 9pm and then go to bed not a lot of free time to just think it was also an easier day on my heart .. i didn't think about wes that much and when i did it was a lot of feeling sorry for him i still love him, but if he's going to treat me like crap and bring me down for the rest of my life NOW i realize that i'm happier without him - than i was with him because i'm not worrying 24/7 wondering who he's with - what he's doing - is he cheating...etc :) wisper

what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger [06 May 2008|08:15pm] [ mood | tired ] today i went to work with my dad & brother again it's actually more fun than sitting at home all day a little social interaction (not much), but enough to call it "social interaction" i've realized that falling out of love... is just like quitting a drug... or maybe even smoking seriously... that person is all you think about you want to talk to them.. see them smile... hear them laugh, but you cant.. because it wouldn't be healthy 8:14pm... days over.. i'm about to go to bed and still no sign from wes i think the "wait" will be a long time. what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger right? wisper

my way up to my feet [05 May 2008|12:29pm] today i went to work with my dad and brother to get out of the house and get my mind of the whole situation it sucks when something like this happens because it follows me around. No escaping the void. I wondered if he missed me. If he even cared. What he was doing. If he had gotten rid of all my stuff I'd given him. If he erased me from his memory. My heart tells me he will miss me... my mind sometimes does too, but mostly the negative feelings overwhelm me and tell me that he won't look back. I know if i call him... i'll never get my answer. I'll just be even more broken hearted - back where i started but as i quoted yesterday "wait long enough and people will surprise and impress you. when you're pissed off at someone give them enough time and they'll surprise and impress you." ...it keeps me from crying. It's some advice i could see my mom giving me. i also want to change the other thing i said "....are you going to am i going to let you beat me already into the ground?  i am going to find a way to struggle my way up to my feet." wisper

[05 May 2008|02:44am] ....are you going to beat me already into the ground or am i going to find away to struggle my way up to my feet. "wait long enough and people will surprise and impress you. when you're pissed off at someone give them enough time and they'll surprise and impress you." wisper

[04 May 2008|08:35am] wisper

[04 May 2008|07:47am] u choose someone to love and protect you keep the negative world from crashing down on you. someone to keep you warm when the days become cold. a person who will do their best to keep a smile on your face. someone to love. what happens when you take a step back and realize that, that person... is the only one hurting you the one who's putting the weight of the world on your shoulders and saying everything they can just to watch a tear stream across your cheek stripping you of your mask to expose all your fears to the world so you may become embarrassed with no free hands to shield the pain "i love you" never leaks once from their lips more vicious words "i hate you", "you're a dumb cunt", "whore", "skank", "no one loves you", "no one cares about you" "....thats why i dont want to be with you" words pierce my heart ...what did i do to you to deserve such pain? such abuse? what did i do to deserve to be kicked, by someone i love, when i am down? i don't want to love you anymore. my heart is no longer there no longer on my sleeve no longer in your care. wisper

[01 May 2008|05:22am] theres nothing left of me i've let you have it all - all of me more than eyes can see but you chewed me up and spit me out just like you always do wisper

My Own Worst Enemy [25 Apr 2008|03:35am] [ mood | blah ] I neglect to see all the wonderful things and tend to think too much about the bad stuff. Too much thinking is my obstacle. Story telling...something I've always been good at. The quote "you are your own worst enemy" describes me See many times i take something simple; say... a boy I'm dating not answering my call I take that and think, and think, and think about it. Think the most negative thing I can.  I turn him not answering my calls into: "he's cheating on me" & thats why he's not answering my mind tells a story and i visualize him cheating my body reacts - heart breaks tears start streaming i then call him 100x trying to prevent him from "cheating" trying to turn the attention away from "the girl" Then he calls me back... turns out he was sleeping and all my 100 calls did was wake & annoy him. Made him think i'm crazy. He's never given me a reason to be untrustworthy of him, but my mind searches for a story that will make me 2nd guess everything he tells me. I am crazy. I am my own worst enemy. I keep breaking my own heart. Why? wisper

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